Protected: Holding out for Hope

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Confusion

Life swirls around me like a thick fog, envelopes me so thoroughly that I cannot see the way forward. What dreams are there when hope has long been extinguished? What is a guy to do, when home is no longer home? I have come a full circle indeed. Leaving behind nothing, and heading back to nothing. Sigh. To face the awkward questions that echoes in my head for days. To be forced to wear the mask of stoicism at all times. To never shed a tear when the pain gets real bad. To never taste the simple joys of life that others so often take for granted. So why? Why?

Reflections

One more year. That’s the time I have left here. A year of simple happiness and bliss. A period of life where all I have to care about is studying, friends and having fun. I have learned more in the short span of a couple of years than the decade of my teenage years.  I have made lifelong friends (I hope!) and embraced the brighter and lighter side of life. While I would not be so hasty to declare myself free from the shackles of old, I have certainly learned to live without being weighed down. I do not know what beckons after this but I know without doubt that it will be anything but simple. Bliss? I doubt it. All good things must run their course and come to an inevitable end. Then what? The haunting darkness that lurks behind the silence? I surely hope not. Well, whatever the case, I know that I will leave with no regrets.

Reality Bites… Hard

Nothing could possibly describe what I am willing to give up at the moment just to force reality to recede back for all but a moment. No words in my vocabulary can approximate the gathering storm of thoughts and emotions that swirl in my mind. Deep within, the ever deepening void and haunting silence gain a stronger foothold with every passing day. And I realised that this world around me that I laboured slavishly to construct is all but a hollow shell, a pale image of that which I could never possibly attain. Ah, the vanity of vanities!

If only I could roll back reality for a moment… If only I could savour a moment of the normalcy of life. If only people knew how good they had things going for them… Redundant statement of course. People don’t know the value of the little but valuable things they have until they lose it. Yet I cannot help but envy them for the little things they so oft take for granted. The simple things that some people may live their entire lives without ever being aware of their existence.

Previously, the sacrifices I have had to make in the past never seemed so burdensome. Yet, the winds of change has made things seem so different. It hurts a little bit more with every passing day, as I absorb in more and more of reality everyday through glazed eyes.

Turmoil

Deep are the troubled currents that run through my mind today. Sigh. Sometimes I think that I think too much. I really do need to accept that there are things that cannot be changed. I need to learn to let go… to accept that in life most things will come and go.  I must learn to relinquish control, be it real or imagined.

As for non-conformism, I find that aspect of myself being gradually eroded. Yet I’m unwilling to give up certain things. It’s terrible to be caught in between two worlds. It really sucks to be a social misfit and have nowhere to really call home. Is there anything that can truly stand the test of time? Change is only natural, yet so painful at times.

How do you pick up the pieces if the shards are gone?

Restoration

The page turns, and we have arrived at the end of yet another chapter. Of the many names I struggled to give to this chapter, the most appropriate name would be The Restoration. And that is what I will call it. At long last, the traumas of yesterday have begun to fade into distant memories. I doubt I will ever forget the past, but I have discovered that I need not be bound by it. The tear-stained moments, the gnawing insecurities, the deafening silence that followed… How could I ever forget those dark days?

Yet I discovered that life had a lighter and brighter side to it. There are things that I covet yet may never attain, but I have learnt to count my blessings and therein I find solace. For happiness is found not in material wealth. Sure, money could buy a certain measure of happiness, but only so much. After all, dying alone amid an ocean of money scarcely forms the basis for a fairytale. At times, it is the few friends that I have that keep me going.

From grace I fell, or so I thought. Truly, it was grace that I fell unto.

Protected: Nowhere to run

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Random Rambling

Just a random post with no one theme…

#1

Conflict.

I am at a crossroads now. I still feel uncomfortable in groups. It will still take some time before I leave behind those agonizing days. On one hand, I want to move on and catch up in terms of social growth, a gap that I may never quite seal entirely. I have made huge strides in the past few years, but I still have much greater distances to cover as compared to my peers. Though I doubt that I will succeed at that, in the long term I would be more than contented to have a small group of friends that think on the same wavelength. On the other hand, I enjoy the solitude to pursue whatever I want without undue social pressures. For the time being though, I am in a little utopia which is tragically a bubble that is about to burst. At the end of it all, I am a paradox: longing to be alone, yet fearing loneliness. Sigh.

#2

No good deed goes unpunished.

Being nice doesn’t pay sometimes. People take you for granted or worse still, a fool. Perhaps I should take one step back into my shell of introversion for the time being to reflect. It is strange how people seem to have a sense of entitlement; more specifically, how I am obligated to help them when I owe them absolutely nothing. Is it right then for them to be upset, when I refuse them? You tell me. While I do not demand for anything in return, the very least that I expect is to be respected as a human being. After all, I am not a beast of burden.

#3

Sacrifice.

It has never hurt me so much as compared to countless other incidences in the past. Previously, it was just a minor annoyance having to forsake certain seemingly superficial niceties, but not this time. Not this time… I don’t know if maintaining my non-conformist nature is beginning to take its toll on me. There is another world out there that I was never aware of, so close, so tantalizing. My eyes have been opened to another perspective of life, one much less somber and based on cold logic. It is akin to a colour blind individual suddenly being able to perceive colours. One can only imagine of the initial euphoria of overwhelming intensity as he soaks in the added dimension of life. What was once a flat monochromatic world now has depth and vibrancy he beyond his wildest imaginations. Would sensory overload be too strong a phrase?

From the ashes…

So it’s been some time.. this blog has been left fallow for half a year. It’s been a period of many firsts; to pass several of the many milestones of life. I have finally moved on, the wounds and scars of yesterday have long faded away. It was so long ago… Still I fail to fully grasp all that has happened. Maybe things could have been different. Maybe not. No matter how I analyse it,  I find myself reaching the same conclusion: it was a disaster that had to happen. The futility of delaying the inevitable.

Ah.. It does not matter since I finally mustered the courage to bid farewell, head out and rebuild my life. Yet it all seems like yesterday. How the winds of fate change the course of our lives overnight!

Yet it was not all in vain. Now that the tears have dried, I can see through the past with unbiased eyes. Yes, there were those simple and happy days. And before everything went downhill, I learnt to step out of my shell of introversion and take in the vibrancy of the world around me. That’s a lesson I’ll never ever want to trade away. And I learnt the meaning of hope. The hope that life had something concrete to offer instead of meaningless pursuits such as wealth and recognition. Sure, those things may grant a certain measure of happiness, but what real joy is there if one is destined to die alone? After all, not all who suffer do so in vain.

Look, the pale of winter has given way to the vividness of spring.

The Paradoxes

Why is it so? Why do I find myself in that perpetual loop? That which I used to detest, I find myself longing for. That which I used to find sickening, now evokes a sense of nostalgia. So what do I want really? Is it true that secretly we learn to love that which we hate? I don’t know for sure. The complexities of human nature that seemingly defy logic.