Life swirls around me like a thick fog, envelopes me so thoroughly that I cannot see the way forward. What dreams are there when hope has long been extinguished? What is a guy to do, when home is no longer home? I have come a full circle indeed. Leaving behind nothing, and heading back to nothing. Sigh. To face the awkward questions that echoes in my head for days. To be forced to wear the mask of stoicism at all times. To never shed a tear when the pain gets real bad. To never taste the simple joys of life that others so often take for granted. So why? Why?
One more year. That’s the time I have left here. A year of simple happiness and bliss. A period of life where all I have to care about is studying, friends and having fun. I have learned more in the short span of a couple of years than the decade of my teenage years. I have made lifelong friends (I hope!) and embraced the brighter and lighter side of life. While I would not be so hasty to declare myself free from the shackles of old, I have certainly learned to live without being weighed down. I do not know what beckons after this but I know without doubt that it will be anything but simple. Bliss? I doubt it. All good things must run their course and come to an inevitable end. Then what? The haunting darkness that lurks behind the silence? I surely hope not. Well, whatever the case, I know that I will leave with no regrets.
Nothing could possibly describe what I am willing to give up at the moment just to force reality to recede back for all but a moment. No words in my vocabulary can approximate the gathering storm of thoughts and emotions that swirl in my mind. Deep within, the ever deepening void and haunting silence gain a stronger foothold with every passing day. And I realised that this world around me that I laboured slavishly to construct is all but a hollow shell, a pale image of that which I could never possibly attain. Ah, the vanity of vanities!
If only I could roll back reality for a moment… If only I could savour a moment of the normalcy of life. If only people knew how good they had things going for them… Redundant statement of course. People don’t know the value of the little but valuable things they have until they lose it. Yet I cannot help but envy them for the little things they so oft take for granted. The simple things that some people may live their entire lives without ever being aware of their existence.
Previously, the sacrifices I have had to make in the past never seemed so burdensome. Yet, the winds of change has made things seem so different. It hurts a little bit more with every passing day, as I absorb in more and more of reality everyday through glazed eyes.
Deep are the troubled currents that run through my mind today. Sigh. Sometimes I think that I think too much. I really do need to accept that there are things that cannot be changed. I need to learn to let go… to accept that in life most things will come and go. I must learn to relinquish control, be it real or imagined.
As for non-conformism, I find that aspect of myself being gradually eroded. Yet I’m unwilling to give up certain things. It’s terrible to be caught in between two worlds. It really sucks to be a social misfit and have nowhere to really call home. Is there anything that can truly stand the test of time? Change is only natural, yet so painful at times.
How do you pick up the pieces if the shards are gone?
The page turns, and we have arrived at the end of yet another chapter. Of the many names I struggled to give to this chapter, the most appropriate name would be The Restoration. And that is what I will call it. At long last, the traumas of yesterday have begun to fade into distant memories. I doubt I will ever forget the past, but I have discovered that I need not be bound by it. The tear-stained moments, the gnawing insecurities, the deafening silence that followed… How could I ever forget those dark days?
Yet I discovered that life had a lighter and brighter side to it. There are things that I covet yet may never attain, but I have learnt to count my blessings and therein I find solace. For happiness is found not in material wealth. Sure, money could buy a certain measure of happiness, but only so much. After all, dying alone amid an ocean of money scarcely forms the basis for a fairytale. At times, it is the few friends that I have that keep me going.
From grace I fell, or so I thought. Truly, it was grace that I fell unto.