The Paradoxes

Why is it so? Why do I find myself in that perpetual loop? That which I used to detest, I find myself longing for. That which I used to find sickening, now evokes a sense of nostalgia. So what do I want really? Is it true that secretly we learn to love that which we hate? I don’t know for sure. The complexities of human nature that seemingly defy logic.

The Hour

They that sow in tears shall reap in joy.

Psalm 126:5

I don’t know if they have left for good or I am merely suppressing them. Whatever the case, I will savour the moment for its sweetness. Perhaps I have unwittingly realigned my expectations away from my ideals toward reality. Or maybe times have indeed changed for the better. I’ll never know and only time will tell. It’s been a long running battle and I certainly hope that what I glimpse is the beginning of the end.

Days of Healing

Today is the day of days. I spot a faint glint on the dark horizon. Perhaps it has always been there, simply that I’ve been too absorbed by my summer turmoils to notice its presence. Things deteriorated steadily over the months, with one calamity after another. Now where are the days of calm? A time where I can walk without fear of hurt… ‘Tis not the season for that now, if ever.

Yet the last few days that I have here has been marked by an unexpected reversal of fortunes. Thing are not that depressing when one considers the bigger picture and the pain of these wounds have started to subside. And yes, life does spring a pleasant surprise every now and then.Though I can finally look at new places, people and objects without peering through the lens of gloom and cynicism…

The Summer of Discord

Three months have gone by practically in the blink of an eye. Yet the events that I have been a part of (either directly or indirectly) would provide material for many drama scripts. I never knew that life could spring that many surprises in such a brief period of time. My previous holidays were by far and large uneventful, characterised by boredom and even depression at times. This time around, I have had moments of joy; and others of turmoil and sorrow. It’s not been easy battling various issues on multiple fronts. I still fail to understand why so many things happened as they did, but I suppose I have little choice but to heal, move on and wait for a better day to come. It is not for me to question, but to accept and adapt instead.

Now I head into an Autumn of Uncertainty…

It’s a Small World After All

It’s a world of laughter, a world or tears
it’s a world of hopes, it’s a world of fear
there’s so much that we share
that its time we’re aware
it’s a small world after all

It’s A Small World – Disney

It is such a small world, and I it never fails to shock me each time I stumble across connections between seemingly unrelated individuals. How tightly interwoven is the human web, that we could theoretically find a link everywhere, if only we looked hard enough. I suppose that the overly-frequent discoveries of such ties eventually gave rise to the theory of ‘six degrees of separation’.

My take on it?

Personally, it can be a pleasant surprise finding out how we are connected to one another through multiple channels. That life springs a little mystery every now and then, breaks the monotony of routine living.

On the other hand, it can be a liability when one seeks to control the flow of information. In essence, this would mean that social dichotomies or even trichotomies are impossible to sustain in the long term. A potentially disturbing thought indeed under prevailing circumstances…

Eye of the Storm

All of my regret
Will wash away somehow
But I cannot forget
The way I feel right now

Little Wonders by Rob Thomas

Here I rest in the eye, the little speck of calm in the heart of a storm. So much has happened, and so much left to unfold… So enveloped by chaos, yet inwardly I have attained tranquility.  There will be many shards to pick up after this tempest has passed and much will have to be rebuilt. Yet I am not filled with neither fear nor dread, but with rejuvenated hope. Somehow, I have mustered the courage and faith to fight for all that has been snatched away. Renewed hope is a potent force indeed…

More often than not, we forget that there are open doors because we remain so transfixed on those that have been shut. There is a time to persist and fight on, but there is also a time to know when the path has been diverted- for the better. I need the wisdom to distinguish one from the other. Let it all go; let the pain, the tears and bitterness slip away into the night. There is no more space for regrets or sorrow here.

There.

I glimpse the first sunbeam of dawn on the horizon.

Adrift

In the blink of an eye, January has ended, yet the New Year seemed like yesterday. How swiftly does time seem to flow when one allows himself to drift along its currents. I see happiness and sorrow intertwined, swirling on the surface of time… How it seemed like an eternity since I ventured into this new and vastly different world. If not for these twists and turns of fate… What do I have at the end of it all? A heap of disappointments and little else to show after spending a year wandering through this dark wonderland. One dashed hope after another. What was it all for? A moment of respite from the utter madness around me? What a fool I was for believing that. If not for the few gems I picked up along the way, I would not be hesitant to describe this entire foray into this parallel universe as a big mistake.

Recent events have accelerated plans; forcing my hand far ahead of schedule. I guess there is not better time than now; it’s time to hit the ‘reset’ button. Homecoming- to sojourn once more in the old world…

The world is indeed full of peril, and in it there are many dark places; but still there is much that is fair, and though in all lands love is now mingled with grief, it grows perhaps the greater.

-Haldir of Lord of the Rings

Today is not that day…

The hours I have left here are not many… The sands of time run low, signaling my arrival at the next station of life. Though not a major milestone, it brings me one step closer to the great beyond- graduation and working life. I wish I could find a brake, if only to slow the pace of passage a little. Unfortunately, such a brake probably exists solely in the realm of fantasy and sci-fi. Last I checked, time is a dimension we have yet to gain mastery over, as the cliché goes- time and tide wait for no man.

I guess it is an opportunity to move on and accept that many issues have been made irrelevant by time and that inconsequential issues should be seen for what they really are. After all, life is a journey of learning that ends only at the grave. I know someday I’ll turn back and laugh at my younger days. Ah, how has time rendered the non-trivial trivial. The things we can change, and the things that are beyond our control. It is tragic that many things which seem so important now fall into the latter category.  Suffice to say that things are not going the way they should be, at least not for today. While I doubt that day will come by, may we meet someday under more forgiving circumstances. ‘Til then, I bid farewell.

Let it go,
Let it roll right off your shoulder
Don’t you know
The hardest part is over
Let it in,
Let your clarity define you
In the end
We will only just remember how it feels

Little Wonders by Rob Thomas

Happy Chinese New Year!

For my fellow bananas and/or non-Chinese speaking friends, the characters read “xin nian kuai le” or Happy Chinese New Year

Happy Chinese New Year! Gong Xi Fa Cai!

So begins a new year on the Chinese lunar calendar. Yet another round of festivities and gastronomic delights. It should be a time of joy and merriment. It should be a time of anticipation and renewed hope. It has been all that, except that there still remains something to be found. Futile as it may seem, I begin the day by harboring a secret hope, too fearful to acknowledge it even to myself…

The page turns randomly…

… is a wish for something that now seems like a distant falling star. The allure of the ang paos, food and new clothes has faded. Not altogether gone, just tarnished. I have come to the realization that it is not the material things that bring happiness, but the little abstract things. Forging new ties and strengthening old ones are infinitely more valuable than anything that wealth could possibly buy. Giving and receiving a smile makes for a better day…

The page turns again…

Ps. Feel free to send ang paos to support the continued existence of this blog. Don’t forget me while chomping on that piece of bakkwa.

The poignancy of things
A purple flower
The blossoms of spring
And the light snow of winter
How they fall

Enya’s Sumiregusa

That dark path…

You threw me from grace,
Now I fall onto it.
Falling is the last thing an angel feels,
I still hear the distant voice echoing inside my head,
But for the first time,
It is my own.
Forgive me.

Gabriel, the movie

Slippery slope man… That was the phrase, verbatim. It was expressed with a discernable note of disappointment when I told him of the ongoings in my life. While I did not express any emotions outwardly, I was jolted when I read that phrase. I can’t help it. Life’s a bitch at times. I feebly offered, not unlike a boy caught with his hand in the cookie jar.Circumstances may be trying at times, but it does not justify an inappropriate solution. I know what you mean…but you know where it eventually lead you…there. I shuddered as I read his response. There. That place which I can only gaze at with glazed eyes but must never tread on. That place which lies almost beyond the point of no return.

It got me thinking and I realised, I have been edging toward that cliff at an almost imperceptible pace, but a steady one nevertheless. What I would have thought was impossible several years ago, now only seems an arm’s reach away. Well not that near actually, but if I were willing to reach out a little further, it would not be inconceivable. I guess I will have to turn back and pray that circumstances will not be so hostile this time. Thank you for the reminder. I needed it.